where small thoughts are fermented
10/08 - mostly finished my art page... fairly happy with how it's turning out so far. this website is turning out to be perhaps one of my most consistent creative projects. it's a really great way to kill a couple of hours while feeling somewhat productive. gotten back into beat saber: fitbeat maps kickng my ass (literally!), but it's a fun way to move when i don't want to go out. the other day i got 8k steps from just pacing around the kitchen, too.
30/07 - crazy how a large number of mental health medications and treatments are no better than snake oil
29/07 - reading a man talk so candidly on suicide with the knowledge of follow through is strange. the 7 cups conversation would've been perfect if fiction, but instead: cold light of reality. i hung out with my boyfriend's friends. only one of them really responds to my jokes, which i appreciate every time. he has many cool objects in his apartment that i felt too awkward to ask to inspect. i got to touch his cat. he's tall and skinny, which makes me homesick for a friend very far away. i had a dream a few nights ago where a man i know(knew?) came to the door of my childhood home, where i was living. he was dressed like a soldier & wanted to kill me. he threw a grenade at me, which i picked up and held out to him -- hoping to kill us both.
14/07 - dropping out of uni again. moving to canada. trying to figure out what i'm good at -- it's definitely not holding a schedule or meeting deadlines. i feel pretty inadequate when it comes to my level of ability in any field; writing, programming, any and all artistic disciplines, research, mathematics, web design (hello!)... so right now i'm using my NEET time to try and improve my skills. i was telling bf about a concept i've been ideating for the past while, and he told me to just start working on it even though i don't feel good enough to actually execute on it in the way i'd like. he's right -- the skills will come as i work. but i still feel raw at the fact that i am not the natural sucessor to Don DeLillo!
08/07 - they'll just put windows anywhere on the sides of these buildings
05/07 - started working out again. 20 minutes treadmill & started lifting weights. thinking about adding a gym log to this page to keep me on track? i always forget how good i feel after moving my body with any level of serious intent. took a shower with my boyfriend when we got back which was cute, but he doesn't like the water as cold as i do.
03/07 - i'm having a lot of fun working on my website & other creative projects again. i've been in a kind of bad mood recently so it's been a great way to feel like i'm doing something productive with my time - helps me feel less like a piece of shit. the only problem is that i keep working on stuff late into the night.